Nothing special to write about this picture except that it is my absolute FAVORITE PICTURE OF ME AN MY BOYS. This is the only picture I have where both of them are smiling, real smiles. Life is good. They are my "heart and soul". I am blessed.

Time expands ..and I expand with it ~ breathing deeper ~ thinking clearer ~ speaking freer and listening longer ~ until a scheduled event approaches ~ like workshop time ~ meal time ~ or checkout time ~ then time compresses ~ and my breath becomes shallow ~ my mind races ~ my throat constricts ~ and I feel cramped and awkward ~ well, not anymore ~ I tell myself “fuck workshops ..meals ..and checkout” ~ I’ve never been jailed for truancy ~ gone hungry ~ or been charged an extra day for hanging out too long ~ I go to the round house ~ where there’s a different meditation guide ~ I listen closely ~ he reminds me of my own zen instructor ~ I follow what he says ~ I lean my upper body back and forth ~ feeling heaviness and tension in my abdomen and hips ~ then upright until I feel lightness ~ I lean my head back and forth ~ feeling heaviness turn into lightness ~ I feel my breath rise up ~ and lift my shoulders ~ next, I notic

I’m floating in a pool of hot water ~ gazing out across the surface where the edge seems to blend seamlessly into ocean water ~ I lift my gaze, look out over the ocean and see the horizon ~ where a sunset is turning the sky burnt orange and ultraviolet ~ I’m feeling no pain ~ thinking “there’s some things no one can explain” ~ when suddenly somebody says “hey, you’re from Santa Barbara ..aren‘t you?” I roll over ~ turn around ~ and there’s a boy ~ no older that 20 ~ who, I swear, I’ve never seen before ~ he goes “you’ve been here for a while ..haven’t you ?” “ummm, yea, kinda’ ..I left and came back” “you were in Santa Cruz ..right?” “uh huh ..” and I’m thinking I’m about to be told my astrological forecast or something ~ he goes “you work in an academic field ..don’t you ?” “Yeah, sorta ..” and he goes “See, I remember” ~ me, I have no clue ~ but I recognize the accen

On the road through Monterey ~ I’ve got the top down ~ sunscreen on ~ listening to Goo Goo Dolls, Hendrix and Petty ~ passing fields of artichoke and brussel sprouts ~ passing hidden surf spots.

I pop a couple of chewable vitamin-C in my mouth ~ walk down to the lodge for breakfast ~ have a dish of yogurt, figs and granola ~ then go outside to sit and watch the mist rise. I meet Meinolf, a Child Psychologist from Germany and I  tell him a little about my studies in childhood reading ~ he tells me how often children mis-interpret what adults tell them ~ to a child, the phrase ‘how many times do I have to tell you to be quiet’ often comes across as: ‘you’re too small, noisy and bothersome to have anything useful to say’ ~ which can take a toll on their self-worth. His job is not to correct the adults, he says, but to help children interpret it better.

I wake up grumbling  ~ I intentionally slept in so my new roommate could use the bathroom first ~ it’s almost 8:30 am and he’s still in there ~ I get up ~ pop a couple chewable vitamin C ~ and head down to the lodge for breakfast ~ I eat a bowl of yogurt ~ figs ~ granola ~ and sit outside sipping coffee ~ figuring that there was no reason to grumble ~ I’d be sitting here sipping coffee either way ~ I love watching the way the morning sun catches the mist rising off the water ~ it’s definitely Indian summer ~ the ocean is calm and undisturbed ~ I take my off shirt and go ‘that’s what I want to feel’.

Workshop: There’s a well known author, Jon Kabat-Zinn, leading the medtiation workshop this weekend ~and there’s 63 people ~ a camera crew ~ sound engineers ~ all packed into an enormous tent ~ “IT’S TOO BIG” ~ my brain screams ~ and I think: 1) This workshop is going to suck 2) what a waste of time and money 3) I should have gone to the baths instead ~ then I realize I’m reading from the same script as before ~ so I put it down and sit for a period of silent mediation ~ next, I hear Kabat-Zinn say “Anything I describe to you here is not meditation ~ it will only serve as ‘scaffolding’ ~ enabling you to reach a state of meditation ~ kind of like the scaffolding you need to view the frescoes on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel” ~ this makes sense to me ~ too often I feel like I’m caught up building scaffoldings

I’m sitting in the meditation hall ~ practicing a breathing exercise that helps me with my meditation practice ~ I breathe in ~ thoughts rise up ~ I hold my breath ~ thoughts dissolve ~ I breathe out ~ thoughts disappear ~ cleansing my mind ~ and leaving room for another cycle to begin ~ except now, it leaves a state of anticipation instead ~ I remember the lesson I learned about anticipation this week ~ and let go of that too ~ only a little too soon ~ before the next moment arrives ~ and I get a glimpse of the narrow bridge in-between ~ and watch, in terror, as it disappears ~ leaving a big empty space ~ like an abyss ~ opening up below ~ without anything for me to hold on to ~ I scream ~ and the next moment arrives to rescue me ~ filled with startled faces ~ someone asks if everything’s OK ~ but words escape me ~ I mumble something ~ bow ~ and walk out the hall ~ still shaking ~ I kneel on a rock ~ and plunge my head int