We Need the Eggs
"When patients complain of dead and lifeless marriages, it is often possible to show them how precious the deadness is to them.” - Stephen Mitchell quoted in NYT Times article, "Can This Marriage be Saved", Sunday Aug 19
Mitchell's observation recalls the old Woody Allen joke:
"Doctor! My brother thinks he's a chicken."
"Why don't you have him committed?"
"I would, but we need the eggs."
A friend complains bitterly about her partner: he's arrogant, thoughtless, a slob. She is not currently examining her contribution to the system, nor willing to reconnect to what each once loved in the other. What are the "eggs"? A house, an intact family, affluence?
To each person who has decided you don't need the eggs, that a nice dead life is... no life, fond regards. When this happens, bluebirds do not pull back your curtains like a Disney movie. You'll struggle, and you will be alive.
change growth life relationships risk
I think that everybody's situation is different. You couldn't possible mean this applies to everybody who's thinking of ending a marriage, could you? If so, I strongly disagree. Everybody has their own unique set of struggles and only they can determine when enough is enough. What one person can bear another cannot.
Gina
Agree with you re 'only they can determine'. Would not presume anything I write 'applies to everybody'.
One can accept the situation, one can change it, one can leave. When I hear her complain again and again I am sad. Wish she would make one of these three choices, rather than stay mired in unhapiness and blame.
Some folks like their self-imposed misery. When they have friends who will listen there is little reason to change.
I find it is the working through -the being with that person that there HAS to be that conflict or thorn in the side that alllows one to bring about the change needed.....FOR THEM! It may take a lifetime to feel the discomfort or it may never happen, as the thorn can be less seemingly painful than the change.
I have friends like that who bemoan their mate- who won't themselves, see their part and won't make any effort to change- whose reaction to the (mis)behaviour becomes the relationship.
I suppose it takes all sorts and maybe through her unhapppiness there is a sense of stability (at least that's what I hear from MY friend in question) It resembles her childhood- it is what her formation of love was and has become- it is ingrained as a habit. How few of us can understand how abused people(both men and women) find it soooooo hard to leave. I don't understand it but yet, I do. I understand the element of perceived 'care' attached to wounded psyches in their having your lights punched out. I understand there is a honeymoon period in the relationship- a hope that, this time, it will work-(I hasten to say I have never been with a physical abuser) but it can be translated into work- or life or a career that beats us over the head- or family or being in friendships that are abusive and in clearer moments wondering why. Why we tolerate this.
Your friend will wake up or not. Your friend either needs this batch of eggs or not and time or death or something greater than her mate's behaviour will be the unfolder of her life.
You are friends. This must be one of her comforts.
Boundries