The Last Words of My English Grandmother
Weems' reply includes: "I would rather my chilluns and granchilluns not have to be held back by my needs. It's a matter of what can I do when I can no longer contribute. When is it time? And can I choose it? Will I have the foresight to choose it just before I no longer have the ability?"
If you would consider voluntarily ending your life, what would your criteria include?
Mom's had friends who chose what she calls "self check-out". In several cases, a gentle end, for one, a violent method that horrifed both his wife and all residents of the 'home'. My Dad asked my brother (also an MD) to write a 'scrip; he said no. Dad died by the inch.
This excerpt from William Carlos Williams' "The Last Worlds of My English Grandmother" says it all for me.
...Oh, oh, oh! she cried
as the ambulance men lifted
her to the stretcher—
Is this what you call
making me comfortable?
By now her mind was clear—
Oh you think you’re smart
you young people,
she said, but I’ll tell you
you don’t know anything.
Then we started.
On the way
we passed a long row
of elms. She looked at them
awhile out of
the ambulance window and said,
What are all those
fuzzy-looking things out there?
Trees? Well, I’m tired
of them and rolled her head away.
"What are all those Kathleen I can relate to that and a short story of how. When I was first infected by the lyme bacteria-when it went to my brain I was 35 and suddenly found myself in the car with a baby and not knowing where I was. I had travelled that road every day and yet that day nothing- the trees nor the usual landmarks were any I recognized. I had no cell phone twenty years ago and so spent ages looking for what should be familiar but it only brought terrible distress. They say there is a time in dementia where elderly people know they are losing their minds... before they actually do lose their minds.... and I had none of that. I went from 'normal' to as if, someone had taken an eraser and wiped out certain memories. I pulled the car in and shattered into a million pieces. I was found that way, holding my baby and after several tests thankfully it was something that could be reversed. The bacteria would be treated and though there would be residual effects, I would, one day, recognize the fuzzy places again. But what does it mean to take ourselves out of a life before others are ready to let us go? Because we are ready to go. I don't know about people clocking out before the day's end. I find that my life being pre ordained is the gift in whatever form and should have a natural release when the time comes. I don't mean to allow suffering in others but that's another story. I also find in our society there is an attitude towards not suffering any discomfort. Headache..... take a Tylenol Constipated.... take an Ex-Lax Diarrhea .....take PeptoBismol Grieving .....take a Valium Drunk...... take a hair o' the dog Sober .......get drunk Horny....... have sex The list goes on and on with little self discipline... Sick of life ...take it We have a simple solution for most everything. Life isn't about the easy solutions always. Is it? I taught my children to not take prescription drugs as a first solution .....to take a walk in the fresh air if they had a headache or some other life solving solution and if it didn't work yes as a last resort but many parents give their children every drug under the sun and when they turn 15 or 16 and on illegal drugs they wonder how it could have happened...hmmmmmm So when is the right time to 'clock' out and as Weems mentioned and Kathleen quoted "I would rather my chilluns and granchilluns not have to be held back by my needs. It's a matter of what can I do when I can no longer contribute. When is it time? And can I choose it? Will I have the foresight to choose it just before I no longer have the ability?" I don't understand why one's children would be held back.... this is YOU, this is your life...and hopefully part of theirs in whatever form it takes and sometimes that form may not be a totally contributing one but, isn't that okay too (well no , I guess not)But to each their own.........When I wrote of what happened to me it was a way of showing how one might feel when our faculties are no longer as they once were but as a good friend once said in the midst of all of this: "You are still you'
fuzzy-looking things out there?
Trees? Well, I’m tired
of them and rolled her head away. "
Hmmmmmm Interesting!